Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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