I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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