this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
