even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
