...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
