As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
