i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
