Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
