Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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