i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
