pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
