Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just pee around me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
