my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
