she was so not down for the gang bang
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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