I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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