I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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