he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
