So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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