You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just blew my weed a kiss
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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