you guys were way drunker than both of me
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
