I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
