idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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