How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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