Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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