I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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