There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
