Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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