I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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