so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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