and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
