apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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