Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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