waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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