Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
