Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
