Your face is a jimmy john
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
