The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Apparently you make a good broom.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
