You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
