I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
