so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
