dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
