Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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