That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm too high and old for this...
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