dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
