My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
