Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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