I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
