Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
