My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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