I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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